


Shepard is hot support group

by mapcake



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comedy, Multi, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 07:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10381461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mapcake/pseuds/mapcake
Summary: Shepard is really attractive. Everyone notices. Tali starts a support group on the Normandy SR-2's group chats to help them all deal with it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [in which korra will 100% fight them](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9423599), which is from The Legend of Korra, not Mass Effect, but it's still thoroughly hilarious.
> 
> Jacob is in this fic for like 1 line, but I didn't think that mattered enough to tag him.
> 
> Also, I'm very sorry for all the tags. I didn't know how else to tag it accurately :,)

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 6 members

**Tali**

okasy so ive noticed you guy dmaking eyes at Shepard

dont deny it

so support gorup

why is Sheppard so hot

**Garrus**

oh spirits

guys im so sorry Tali is hammered right now

**Tali**

more like id like tok be hammered by Shepard

**Garrus**

oh

my spirits

 **_Jacob Taylor_ ** _has left the group_

**Tali**

:(

waht about everyone esle

why is Shepard so hot

**Jack**

it’s her ass

**Kasumi**

seconded

**Tali**

okya, but what about her msucles?

**Garrus**

I cant believe this is happening right now

**Jack**

the ass is a muscle

**Garrus**

You’re going to regret this in the morning, Tali

**Tali**

no I wont

i ahevbthis picture to remind meo f why we nee da support froup

 ** _Tali_** _changed the group photo_ Change photo

 **_Kasumi_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Jack**

DAMN SHE’S BEEN HIDING THOSE GUNS THE WHOLE TIME??!!

**Tali**

but look at her shosudlers!!!! looka t them!!! L O O K ! !

 **_Garrus_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Garrus**

oh fuck I didnt know it showed that I scrrenshotted fuck fukc

**Jack**

lol

fucking loser

\---

**Private chat**

**Tali**

my head hurts

a lot

did I do anything regrettable last night?

**Bosh’tet turian**

check the Normandy group chats

**Tali**

???

okay??

**Tali**

K E E L A H

IM GOING TO JUMP OUT OF THE AIRLOCK

**Bosh’tet turian**

hah

told you you’d regret it

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Garrus**

Tali, I thought you were done with this chat??

**Tali**

I was, but then I saw Shepard in a wet tank top

thank you Kasumi

**Kasumi**

you’re welcome

**Garrus**

this is ridiculous

**Tali**

don’t pretend like you’re not sitting right next to me

and I didn’t just hear you make the most embarrassingly high pitched noise at that picture

**Garrus**

TALI HOW COULD YOU

**Tali**

if I am going down you are coming down with me

 **_Thane_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Garrus**

THANE?!?!?!?!?!

**Jack**

HAHA

YOU GO LIZARD MAN

**Thane**

if I may,

 **_Thane_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Garrus**

holy shit

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Tali**

I’m literally dizzy right now

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

**Tali**

just to prove to everyone that Garrus isn’t above this

 **_Tali_ ** _sent a picture_

**Garrus**

HOW DID YOU GET THAT PHOTO

DELETE IT

 **_Kasumi_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Garrus**

NO

NO MORE SCREENSHOTS

 **_Thane_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Garrus**

IM NEVER WATCHING ANY OF YOUR BACKS AGAIN

**Jack**

yeah, cuz you’ll be too busy watching Shepard’s ass while drooling like in that photo

**Garrus**

I WAS NOT DROOLING

THAT WAS THE SALVE FOR THE SCARS ON MY MANDIBLES

IT WAS JUST THE LIGHTING

**Jack**

suuuure it was

**Garrus**

IM SERIOUS

**Tali**

lol

get wrecked, Vakarian

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

**Kasumi**

so there’s a crawl space in the gym, right above where the bench press is

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a video_

**Jack**

holy shit

**Garrus**

holy shit

**Tali**

oh keelah

 **_Thane_ ** _sent a video_

**Tali**

My suit just thought that I was sick with a fever and ran an illness scan

**Kasumi**

…… oh it’s on, Krios

**Thane**

:)

I welcome the challenge

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

**Jack**

hey cheerleader

you know your read receipts are on, right?

everyone knows you’ve seen everything

 **_Miranda_ ** _sent a picture_

**Jack**

WHAT THE FUCK

FUCK YOU

DELETE THAT

YOU WEREN’T EVEN GROUNDSIDE WITH US ON OMEGA WHAT THE FUCK

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Garrus_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Thane_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Jack**

IM GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

\---

 **from:** shepard@cerberus.mil

 **to:** lawson@cerberus.mil, krios@cerberus.mil, vasneema@cerberus.mil, vakarian@cerberus.mil, goto@cerberus.mil, massani@cerberus.mil, grunt@cerberus.mil

 **subject:** [no subject]

which one of you made Jack burst a vein and scare the engineers so bad that engineer Donnelly cried.

because good job. it was hilarious.

that’s all.

\--

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

**Garrus**

aw, Jack, look

 **_Garrus_ ** _sent a picture_

**Garrus**

Shepard was talking about you

**Jack**

D I E

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Thane_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Thane_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a picture_

**Garrus**

guys I’m literally in the room with Shepard right now

she’s starting to wonder what all the pings are for

stop

 **_Thane_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a picture_

 

**Tali**

I think I need to lie down

 **_Thane_ ** _sent a picture_

**Kasumi**

damn it

you win this time, Krios

**Thane**

:)

**Garrus**

YOU GUYS ALMOST MADE ME GET CAUGHT

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Tali**

totally worth it

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

**Jack**

hey cheerleader

 **_Jack_ ** _sent a picture_

**Jack**

I’d almost call the look on your face cute, if it wasn’t so desperate

 **_Miranda Lawson_ ** _has left the chat_

 **_Jack_ ** _has added **Miranda Lawson** to the chat_

**Jack**

there’s no escape, bitch

revenge sure tastes sweet

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

 **_Kasumi_ ** _has created a poll_

Shepard’s cybernetic scarring: hot or not?

 **Hot:** 0%

 **Not:** 0%

0 votes

_This poll closes in 4 hours_

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

Shepard’s cybernetic scarring: hot or not?

 **Hot:** 100%

 **Not:** 0%

5 votes

_This poll has closed_

**Garrus**

I want to be ashamed of us

but damn, those scars, though

**Jack**

5 votes means that the Cerberus poster girl voted too

 **_Miranda_ ** _sent a picture_

**Jack**

HOW THE F U C K DID YOU GET ANOTHER ONE

 **_Garrus_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Garrus**

oof

and I thought _I_ looked pathetic

 **_Kasumi_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Tali_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

 **_Thane_ ** _took a screenshot of the chat_

**Jack**

N O N E OF YOU WILL LIVE PAST THIS YEAR

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

**Tali**

hey, how come none of us have ever caught Thane or Kasumi making eyes at Shepard?

**Garrus**

time to change that

 **_Thane_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a picture_

**Tali**

:(

that was mean

how did you even get that time in the elevator, Kasumi?

**Kasumi**

I’m a ninja

**Garrus**

what’s a ninja?

I’m still going to get a picture someday

of both of you

**Thane**

I welcome the challenge

**Garrus**

you’re going to eat those words one day, Krios

**Thane**

:)

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

 **_Miranda_ ** _sent a picture_

 **_Miranda_ ** _sent a picture_

**Kasumi**

h

o

w

**Tali**

NICE!!!

[high_three.gif]

**Thane**

… well played, Miss Lawson

\---

**Private chat**

**Kasumi**

so how much would it cost for you to delete those pictures?

**Miranda**

No.

**Kasumi**

damn it

\---

**Shepard is hot support group**

**Tali** created this group

This group has 5 members

**Garrus**

so we’ve had this chat going on for 6 months now

and yet, none of us

not a single one of us

has tried to make a move on Shepard?

 **_Tali_ ** _sent a photo_

 **_Miranda_ ** _sent a photo_

 **_Kasumi_ ** _sent a photo_

 **_Jack_ ** _sent a photo_

 **_Thane_ ** _sent a photo_

**Garrus**

OKAY OKAY I GET IT

I’LL DROP THE TOPIC

S P I R I T S


End file.
